Affirmation

I searched the old photographs
When I could no longer
Find you in my heart
Desperate for answers
Hidden in a pose
Or a spontaneous moment
You wrapped in a towel
Toga style
Smooth and clean
Bright-eyed
Mugging for the camera
And found no indication
Of what would come

Just a little boy
Who always reached for me
As if the tenuous connection
Could save us both

Birthday scenes and picnic tables
New shoes and big-boy clothes
Special notes squirreled away
In pockets to ward off the demons
I sensed amassing
Under the surface
Of our lives

Neighborhood squabbles
Brewed from running with the pack
Who smelled of sun and wind
And adventures unapproved
You moved fast
Running from yourself
And my expectations

School was the beginning
Of something a little off
Nothing I could put my finger on
A general malaise

You looked so happy
Trotting off, your curls bouncing
Excitement in every step
But you returned somber
And silent

Family gatherings began to mean
Conflict and stubborn withdrawal
But you were so cute
And so sweet to me
My tarnished childhood
Made your demeanor seem normal
And I did not see
What should have been obvious

When you moved away
I did not cling or pry
You were grown and able
What you faced seemed
So mild when stacked against
My experiences

You would have to cope
And you did
Dope and crack and alcohol
Became your best friends
And you were happy—
The dead, muffled gray
Went away if only for short bursts

Now you wear the orange
County-issued clothes
And I’m glad
My composure is not shattered
By sirens snatching my sanity
With visions of your mangled body
And I no longer sleep with the phone
My only lifeline to your continued existence

Your eyes are clear
Perhaps seeing inward
For the first time
Unflinchingly confronting the despair
Like the man I hoped you would become

I spend money now
Not on bail or your credit card debt
My charge card does not detail
Your descent into hell

I buy books for you
And you are happy
With simple comforts—
An extra apple and quiet time to read
Two visits a week are times of discovery
As you reconnect with the world
Sober, cogent, and hopeful

I am proud

You have done it without me
You have done it in spite of me
And maybe
In some small measure
You have done it for me

 Look, Ma.  No hands.

                                   —Katherine M. Searle
                                      17 September 2008
                                      photos by Searle

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